What’s so special about thirty-one, you ask? Well, it just so happens that women peak at age thirty-one! Yup, it’s true. Studies have shown that I will never be more beautiful than I am right now. Good to know.
Seeing as today is my birthday, it feels like the perfect time to announce that I am officially commencing work on my memoir – against the advice of several prominent literary agents, who all agreed that I will never be able to sell a memoir without first achieving notoriety. But if birthdays are good for anything, it’s highlighting the diminishing probability that I'll ever get around to these things. I mean, if I have to wait until I have 10,000 blog followers to write my memoir, I’ll be too senile to remember my own name, let alone the precise details of my first practical joke (It was a good one: I was seven days old and had just experienced my first nosebleed, so I decided to lie very still in my crib, covered in blood, until my mother came into the room. It’s been almost 31 years, and she still hasn’t fully recovered.) Anyway, there’s no time like the present to start digging up the past. And so, I’ve chosen to embrace delusion. So what if I’m not a B-list celebrity? Surely it’s enough to have strong writing, a wonderfully sarcastic title, and my fabulous face on the book jacket.
You may be thinking that thirty-one is still too young to write a memoir, but again, I’m going to have to disagree. Sure, I might not have that much life experience, but you’d be amazed at how much I have to say about it. Based on my rough outline, I’m predicting several thousand pages – split into four volumes – in chronological order starting with my birth... No, not really. I’m too lazy to ever write more than 200 pages, and that’s with wide margins and a comically large font.
The book will be a series of comedic essays in the vein of David Sedaris, who, coincidentally, I have tickets to see tonight. I plan on waiting in line afterwards so that I can get his autograph and present him with the opportunity to be my very first book endorsement! I’m sure he’ll jump at the chance. I’m also planning to get an endorsement from Tina Fey. I just finished reading her memoir in which she both mocks herself for being a nerd and advocates supporting fellow women. There's no way she'll be able to refuse an endorsement for a fellow female nerd. I had a bowl cut! I thought turtlenecks were swell! I wore glasses that were way too big for my face! I’m still hoping to one day grow into my teeth. (Oh no, wait – my physical beauty has reached its peak. Dammit.)
A quick note for my friends and family: If you’re concerned about how you might be portrayed in my bestselling memoir, don’t worry! There’s still plenty of time for sucking up. After all, today is my birthday. Those of you who go beyond the traditional Facebook birthday wall post will be described as being much more attractive and intelligent, and your worst qualities and most embarrassing moments will be ascribed to someone else... someone who didn’t bother remembering at all.