The Literary Geniuses of Reality TV

It’s no secret that I’m dying to join the ranks of funny memoirists like David Sedaris, Jen Lancaster, David Rakoff, and Sara Barron.  And why not?  I’m bitter and self-deprecating.  I can write pretty.  So where's my book deal?

Oh, that’s right... I can’t land a book deal without a platform.  In other words, I need thousands of loyal fans who would run out and buy my book the instant it hits the shelves.  Perhaps I should spend less time practicing my craft and more time auditioning for reality TV shows.

After all, several of The Jersey Shore stars have scored book deals, including my personal favorite: Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.  Gym, tan, laundry – now that’s a solid book premise.

Literary agents are practically throwing themselves at The Real Housewives.  Jill, Bethenny, Alex, Luann, Vicki, Nene, Teresa, and Danielle have all authored books.

The girls from The Hills all managed to get book deals – well, the ones who can read, anyway.  Lauren Conrad’s book made it onto the bestseller list, and Lo’s book will be released in January.

I’m sure you’ve already pre-ordered your copy of Kardashian Konfidential!

Other reality-TV-stars-turned-memoirists include Tori Spelling, Tila Tequila, The Bachelor’s Bob Guiney and The Bachelorette’s Jillian Harris, Kendra Wilkinson from The Girls Next Door, and a slew of American Idol contestants.

If I ever want to become an author, I need to get on reality TV pronto! 

Back in 2004, I did audition for Extreme Home Makeover.  The show wanted to do an episode featuring the "real-life Friends,” and I happened to be sharing a crappy New York City apartment with three guys and another girl.  ABC sent a camerawoman over to film an audition tape, but apparently we weren't quite "wholesome" enough.  Rarely in reality TV is "lack of wholesomeness" a negative quality.

In retrospect, it was the completely wrong show for me.  I'd make a much better villain.  I should be exploiting my anger and bitterness like The Winnebago Man or that JetBlue flight attendant.  In case you missed it, The Winnebago Man is an RV salesman whose angry tirades made him a YouTube sensation and the subject of an award-winning documentary.  And the JetBlue flight attendant – Steven Slater – achieved overnight fame when he cussed out the plane's passengers and escaped down the emergency chute with two stolen beers.  Now that Slater is out on bail, he’s been offered a reality TV show that will encourage other people to quit their jobs.  I’m sure a book deal won’t be far behind.  Actually, that’s one book by a reality TV star that I’ll probably read.